The student news site of Collierville High School

The Dragon Spirit

10 Tips for Back to School Success

Vann Tate, Contributing Writer

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The ring of the bell. The zip of a backpack. The constant smell of hundreds of strategically placed farts. You know what that means. You’re finally back at school! And before you inevitably memorize your schedule and fall back into the groove of mindlessly hovering through the halls like a walking coma patient, take this brief moment of awareness to make this school year the best it can be!

1: Get organized. Being tidy greatly benefits your work ethic, but it can be impossible to clean up if your thoughts aren’t even organized. This is probably due to the alien souls floating around in your body that keep you from operating at your most efficient level. Find these alien souls and discharge them one by one, and then maybe you’ll finally be ready to dump out that hamper!

2: Be selective with your friends. Having friends is great, but if one of your friends makes you feel uncomfortable or has a different system of values, try to spend less time with them. If they persist, be straightforward with them and say, “I don’t want to be friends anymore because I am morally above you.”

3: Be better. No matter how hard you try, you could always be better. Finally got a B in that tough class? There’s a kid who has an A. Be more like that kid.

4: Janitors are secretly robots. Try not to get them wet or carry around loose magnets.

5: If you see something, say something. Please tell an administrator if you think a student is actually just a 6th grader standing on another 6th grader’s shoulders and wearing a trench coat.

6: Create a meme-free homework area. In your home, create an area that is designated specifically for doing homework and rid it of all memes. Even the dankest of memes cannot be allowed to enter, because they will only distract you with their dankness and their twisted allusions to Shrek or Paul Blart.

7: Try not to peak. It’s ok to have fun and succeed during high school, but make sure you leave with some kind of chip on your shoulder. If there’s anything we learned from the former baseball playing acquaintance in Bruce Springsteen’s “Glory Days”, it’s that you do not want to be the guy who only wants to talk about high school at age 30.

8: Get plenty of rest. Sleep deprivation is an epidemic among students, and the shadowy figure vaguely resembling your estranged father that haunts your dreams can only be defeated if you stay inside the dream realm for longer than six hours. That way you can observe all of its weaknesses and make accurate judgments as to what kinds of weapons and tactics will be most effective when it’s finally time to wage the dream war.

9: Show your teachers you care. Every day, bring your favorite teacher an apple. If they seem to enjoy the apple, bring two apples the next day. Keep escalating the number of apples until your teacher finally says to you, “Listen, this is way too many apples. You have to stop.” At this point, scream and bang your head against a wall until they finally give in and accept your apples once more.

10: Live in the moment. High school is a very important time in your life, but it only lasts 4 years. Try and appreciate all the little moments that make you happy and all the friends that mean so much to you, because if you fast forward a decade, the person who was your best friend will just become another schmuck at the reunion who you’re struggling to make small talk with.

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The student news site of Collierville High School
10 Tips for Back to School Success